Wednesday, March 11, 2015

9 Reasons Why Tammy and Christy Are Still Country Girls

Although we didn’t know each other in the early 1990’s, that’s the time we both moved to Austin. Tammy was a young dental hygienist who picked up her Yoakum, Texas roots and came to Austin for work and… I don’t know… up living maybe? I was fresh out of graduate School at Texas A&M, and regardless of my fancy advanced degree, Texas A&M was still pretty countrified at the time. It wasn’t far from my hometown of Giddings, either. I came to Austin to become a famous writer, and I was convinced that Austin was where it would happen. We were two seriously good examples of “country comes to town.”

A few decades and a whole lotta reality checks later, we are still in Austin, and Austin has grown up to become a REAL city.  It’s the maturing of this city that amplified the fact that Tammy and Christy are still country girls. We want to go home. Go live in a little tiny patch of ruraldom and just be who we are.

How on earth could two gay women want go live in rural Texas? I think most people would say that’s suicide. See the headlines – “Liberal lesbians found dead in a stock pond.”

It’s not like that, y’all. It’s not San Mateo County living, but it’s not that dangerous. For twelve of the past 20+ years, I lived in the country. I got lonely and came back to Austin. And that’s about the only reason I returned. By casual observation, you might think I’m pretty refined. I like the theater, I like the ballet, I can spot a fraudulent wine list in a so called elite restaurant in one half second, I’m in management in techy Austin, and I bought a condo just east of downtown in the latest hip and up-and-coming part of the city. Tammy, on the other hand, exudes rural southern charm. She still listens to Sirius XM “Prime Country” and “Y2K Country.” She tries really hard to listen to my “First Wave,” but she just can’t go there for long. However, when I met Tammy, she drove a BMW Z3 Roadster. That is not a countrified car. She has good taste in home d├ęcor and clothing. She makes a good living in Austin. I’m not even sure rural dentists even hire hygienists. Therefore, at first glance, you’re not going to think we just rolled in from some Podunk place far beyond the Austin city limits.

Here are our giveaways

1.      Tammy likes Miller Lite
We are within walking distance of the WhipIn and a cornucopia of craft beer, yet Tammy prefers cheap, watery beer in a longneck. Sometimes I call her a cheap date.

2.      Christy still drives a Ford F150
I traded in my old F150 for a new one. I sit in traffic over and hour a day. I get 15.3 miles to the gallon. I don’t care. I may need to haul something.

3.      Christy and Tammy move the furniture in the living room to make their own dancehall dancefloor
Actually, we recommend more couples do this. It’s cheaper than the Broken Spoke, the crowd is more authentic, and nobody makes fun of you for drinking Miller Lite.

4.      We have a dog named Ellie Mae
Ellie Mae is old and fat and stinky. I found her in a ditch on a country back road. She really looks her best when she’s napping on a front porch in the country. She IS an Ellie Mae.

5.      We get stressed thinking that we won’t find enough dewberries in Austin vacant lots to make a cobbler
I sometimes take a lunch hike on the hill behind my fancy office. I’ve seen the vines, so if I time it right, I’ll pick every dewberry back there, and I. will. not. tell. anybody where I found them. I will not share.

6.      We are extremely competitive while shooting a can with a BB gun
We’re both good shots. Please. Don’t get all wussy whiney about our BB gun marksmanship. We’re from the country. It’s a fact.

7.      We scoff at Oysters on the Half Shell that cost $4 each
That’s just dumb. You can get a dozen Gulf Coast Oysters on the Half Shell for $13. They set up very nicely on a saltine.

8.      We fight over who gets to use the power tools
In the country, there is no such thing as calling a repair man who will arrive in less than 24 hours. You fix your own stuff.

9.      Between us, we own 10 pairs of cowboy boots
Country girls would just as soon wear a pair of boots as wear a pair of house shoes. Surprisingly, the only pair we fight over are these:

Let me wrap up by telling y’all that I spend my computer time shopping for a new chainsaw. I have happy dreams about spending my weekend cutting up fallen trees on our country property. Tammy dreams about scratching the neighbor horses on the nose. And sometimes we have discussions about how to maintain a septic system. But if you saw us having lunch as Enoteca, I guarantee you would not be able to pick us out. …mostly because Enoteca doesn’t serve Miller Lite.

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